I find it necessary to offer a prerequisite to this story. I know and I understand that the events outlined in this story are all my own fault. However, because my stories are all 100% true (Aside from the ones labeled "Fiction", obviously) I find it necessary to never stray from the facts to try to portray myself as righteous, unless I believe it so. In this case, I am certainly the "villain in the shadows", but that's ok with me. It's fucking hilarious!
In June of 2003 I didn't have much going on. I had just finished community college and wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I couldn't find a job so I was just spending my days and nights hanging out with friends. One friend in particular, Robbie Kazmark, was looking for work also, and so he had a significant amount of free time on his hands too. During the day-time we would search for jobs, always unsuccessfully. There were a couple days when we found some day-laboring stuff but I never did. Then, in the evenings we would be depressed about our current situations...and so we would drink. Consuming alcohol has always numbed the pain of shitty circumstances, if only for a few hours.
Anyways, one night we had been boozing and it had gotten to be really late. We were having a good time and having fun making some 2am prank phone calls. I always dial *67 before any number so that it will block the number from any caller ID. We were trying to think of somebody to call and I decided to call my brother Dave. My brother was living in Endicott at the time and working as an "Assistant Nursing Home Administrator". He knows all of my alternate voices that I use all too well so I let Robbie talk. He asked me what Dave's girlfriends name was and I told him. Now, it is important to attempt to describe Robbie for the sake of the story. Robbie is a very kind-hearted guy who would give a stranger the shirt off his back, but he is very sinister. In fact, he portrays himself as a deviant on a regular basis. With his "zero-sensor" language and his "fuck off" attitude towards artificial people, you might think he is a rebel. For this reason I had labeled him in my cell phone as "Crazy Kaz". However, anybody who truly knows him would tell you that he is a stand-up guy, I guarantee it.
After I dialed the number and handed him the phone I had absolutely no idea what he was going to say, but I knew it would be funny and dirty. "One David Reynolds, ha ha ha. Two David Reynolds ha ha haa". He was using the voice of "The Count", the vampire character from the TV show: "Sesame Street." He continued; "I fucked your girlfriend ha ha ha. One time I fuck your girlfriend ha ha ha. Two times I fuck your girlfriend ha ha ha." Of course I could only hear one side of the conversation, but this is the gist of it. And it went on and on for about 5 whole minutes with Robbie never once breaking character and only getting more and more graphic in his details. After he hung up I had asked him how he kept my brother on the phone for so long. He said that he sounded pissed off and was trying to figure out who it was. Anyways, I think we made a few more calls to some random people and then Robbie went home. The next day my brother called me pissed off, asking who had called him. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell him, he was way too pissed off. And besides, it was my idea to call him anyways.
Four months later I was living in Fredonia, NY. I had decided to transfer to college there in order to work on my bachelors degree. I had deliberately chosen Fredonia as one of the schools I applied to because my brother Dave was now living there. He had gotten promoted to "Nursing Home Administrator" and had to relocate for the position. Because we were both new to the area, we didn't really know many locals. Therefore, I spent a number of nights and weekends hanging out with him at his apartment. When he got his new job he had gotten a significant raise to accompany it. And being that he was single, with no kids, he now had disposable income to throw around. He would use some of it to bribe me to go pick up his take-out or to coheres my roommate to do stupid things. For instance, one time he paid my roommate $30 to eat 6 McDonalds double cheeseburgers. And another time he paid him $20 to do a lap around his apartment wearing only underwear and dress shoes. There was a festival going on across the street so there were about 300 people who seen it. My brother and I were standing on the roof watching, I don't know if I've ever seen him laugh so hard in my whole life. My brother was always coming up with ridiculous challenges for money. Here was a guy with a high-profile job making upwards of 6-figures, and yet on his spare time he was such a child at heart. This is the reason he has always been listed in my cell phone as "Bruce Banner". His middle name is "Bruce", and he had the alter-ego thing nailed.
One afternoon we were sitting around watching TV and having a few beers when he brought up the prank call from 4 months ago. I again stuck to my guns, telling him that I had absolutely nothing to do with it and that I had no idea who had called him. However, anybody who knows my brother Dave knows damn well that he can get you to tell him anything. Among his various traits lies a true art in the manipulation of people. That is why he is able to get people to do stupid things, and that is how he got me to give up some critical information. First, he flashes the wad of cash to the struggling college student. Next, he promises that he means no harm to "The Count", he just wants his identity. I ask him; "Why? Why do you want to know who he is so bad then"? He replies; "I just want to get him back. You don't understand just how pissed I was. I couldn't sleep, I was shaking mad". I apologize to him, I explain that it was all my fault and that I put "The Count" up to it. I told him that he doesn't even know him anyways, and so the information would deem useless. I thought that this would be enough, but of course it wasn't. "I just want to get him back. Just tell me his name, his phone number, and one personal thing about him and this is yours". He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $50 bill. And so the stage is set.
He hands me the bill and I give him Robbie's name and cell phone number. He asks me where he works and I tell him that he doesn't. He is on unemployment making $202 a week, I've seen his checks. At this moment a sinister little smile comes over his face and he says; "Perfect", and then he reaches for a pen and paper. I respond; "What? You gonna call him and tell him hes not gonna be getting paid anymore"? He looks at me grinning and says; "No, I'm gonna make him think hes getting more".
Now, I didn't know exactly what he had in store, but after scribbling on that pad for only about 5 minutes he reached for his phone.
Dave: "Hi, can I speak to Robert Kaz..merk (He purposely stumbles with the pronunciation in order to create the delusion of "I don't know how to say your name") please?"
Robbie: "This is him"
Dave: "Hi Robert, my name is Stanley Kingston I work for the New York State unemployment benefits department, how are you today?"
Robbie: "Good".
Dave: "Good. The reason for my call today is that I was going over your file today and I noticed a slight discrepancy on your claim, a discrepancy on our end that is. I notice here that you are currently collecting $202 on a weekly basis, is that correct"?
Robbie: "Yes".
Dave: "Yea, you see there was a clerical error on our end that we just caught today. It appears that your weekly rate should have been $284.93, and that should have been your accurate all along. I notice that you have been receiving these inaccurate checks for some time now. Basically the reason for the call is just to let you know that we have corrected the error and that I am in the process of getting the claim correctly paid up to date as we speak. I really apologize for the error, it was actually a personal error. What I'm going to do is send you out a check today for the balance if that's ok? In order to get taken care of".
Robbie: "Yea, that sounds great"!
Dave: "Yea, it looks like its going to be, (He makes some meaningless noise on a calculator he has near him) $1,877.49........Now, that is the difference of the pro-rated amount minus the funds you have been paid previously".
Robbie: "Aww, that's great! Such perfect timing too I gotta buy books for school that I been worrying about!"
Dave: "Excellent. Like I said, I truly apologize for the error on our end and I will get that check in the mail for you today."
Robbie: "Awesome! Thank you so much"
Dave: "Thank you for understanding have a nice day"
Robbie: "You too!"
Immediately after he hangs up the phone he leans back in his chair and bellows in laughter. It was such an awful prank to pull. I tell him that he went to far and he says; "Dude, he fucking called me at 2am in the voice of count fucking Dracula, waking me up telling me that he fucked my girlfriend! I thought somebody died! That's the only reason I get calls at 2am!"
He stewed about the call for about 20 minutes or so, wondering what must be going through Robbie's head. Then he talked me into calling him. At first I told him I wasn't going to do it, but then he said; "What if hes spending money he doesn't have though?" Wow, I thought to myself, "Like you would give a fuck!" He started laughing again....but he had a point, I had to call.
Robbie: "Hey Dude!"
Me: "What ya doin"?
Robbie: "Im goin to the mall! Unemployment just called, they have been fucking me!"
Me: (Trying to hold it in) "What do you mean"?
Robbie: "Yea, fucking unemployment has been shorting me for a year and I caught them"! (Im not positive he said "caught", I cant remember exactly. But I think so.)
He was absolutely pumped! It fucking killed me to have to bring him back to reality. I could tell that he was in his car and on top of the world. I told him; "My brother wants me to tell you that you guys are even now from "The Count"." He didn't understand......
I said; "My brother is Stanley Kingston"?
"Who?" he said. He still didn't understand.
"My brother is the one who called you as a prank. There is no money"
He paused and I could hear the life come out of him; "Noooooooooooo" he said, and then he hung up. He didn't talk to me for a long time after that, and I cant say that I blame him one bit. I got lucky, he eventually forgave me.
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Thanks for being a good sport and letting me share Robbie!
RIP Bruce Banner, there will never be another one like you.
