Thursday, April 21, 2016

Pushing too hard




      I was a senior at the State University of New York at Fredonia during the 2004-2005 school year when I decided to "try-out" for the basketball team. There were several reasons why I wanted to play on this team. First of all, it was my last year in school, and I didn't want to live with the regret of not trying, or wondering "what if". Also, my brother lived in town, and I wanted him to be able to come watch my college games like I got to go watch his. Finally, I was 100% certain I was one of the best players at the university. I had played "pick-up" games with the team, and competed in intermural, so I was very familiar with the skill level we had at Fredonia State. During out every day pick-up games, I was usually one of the first few players selected when picking teams for these games, and I usually dominated. It is very reassuring when you play with the team, they pick you first, and for a reason. It wasn't always like that of course. But, when you play with a group of guys for a year or so, you get a feel of their individual skill set, and they get a feel for yours. This is mostly irrelevant to my story however. The only relevant point is this; I was certainly good enough to play on this team, and all of the other players knew it. Now, in a perfect world that information alone would be plenty to make the team, let alone playing time. But, at a small university like this, it doesn't work like that. Every coaching staff tends to make promises to players in order to get them to attend the university, and that it would pose a challenge to me. The university is division 3, therefore they cannot hand out scholarships, which is what attracts the best players to division 1 schools. So, a lot of times the coaches who recruit players promise them a place on the team, and a considerable amount of playing time. This is an understanding between the two parties, and I was aware of it. I was not one of these players, I was a "walk on", as they are considered. I didn't come to this university to play basketball, as is the case with most of the team. I had come to this school because me brother lived here for his job, and I wanted to be close to him. It is because of this, that is can be much more difficult for a walk on to earn a spot on the team and gain playing time. However, I was absolutely determined. It was my final chance to play, and I knew exactly what I was up against. Or, so I thought...


      Five weeks before tryouts were to begin, anybody who planned to attend was required to attend "conditioning". I learned this right before it began, and at first I was excited about it. I figured the coach would watch us run some suicide drills, and then we would play pick up games for the rest of each session. This seemed like an excellent opportunity to show the coach who I was and what I could do. However, I quickly found out that this was far from the case, very far from it.

      Conditioning was pure and utter hell. First of all, the coach was never there, not once. And secondly, there would be no basketball. It wasn't because we weren't allowed to play, it was because nobody wanted to play after conditioning. There might be 2 or 3 guys who still had the energy/ambition to play after a conditioning session, out of the 35 in the program. But, that wasn't enough for a game. Certain guys would try to get a game going after the running drills, but it was always a losing effort. Everybody was simply too tired to play. We all just wanted to go home to shower and relax. One day we would run suicide drills for an hour straight in the gym, and another day we would run sprints on the track and field course. Other days we would just run hills for an hour and a half, without stopping once for water. Then on other days we would mix it up and do "stations". The stations conditioning days were probably the worst. It is extremely difficult to say because it was all so extremely demanding. A day of stations was like a circular obstacle course with no ending. It really didn't matter what we were doing on a particular day, it was all terrible. I would never show up thinking; "I hope we do this or that today". That would be like picking between the electric chair or hanging.

     Every day we all had purple faces, their were guys vomiting and just screaming from sheer pain and exhaustion. I remember thinking that somebody is going to die from this. Many times we were in the blazing sun, pouring sweat, praying for it to end, and all I would hear is; "on the line. Go"! It always felt like it would never end. The team captains from the previous season were "in charge" of the conditioning, and they took attendance. Everybody was competing against each other for the spots on the team, so they wanted guys to quit. This would just make the tasks more and more grueling. I was a really good student, but playing "basketball" made things very challenging. Because I was a senior, I had a difficult course load. I was only taking upper level courses, which are the most difficult. There was no "partying", it was rest, school, and running. It felt like we were trying out for a track and field team, preparing to become long distance runners. We were told that on the final day of the conditioning, everybody had to complete a mile run on the track in under 5:35. Nobody was looking forward to this. In fact, it was clear that nobody was looking forward to the next day. It always seemed like however much we ran the day before was a joke. The sprints usually lasted for about an hour, but there was no time limit, there was no clock watching. We never knew when it was going to end, and we just pushed on. I feel like I learned a lot about myself during the first 4 weeks of conditioning. I realized that I could push myself far beyond any limit that I thought I had. But, I absolutely did not like learning this. I thought about quitting every second of every day, but then I would think about how much work I had already put in. I thought about the people who had stopped showing up. I realized that this was how they would "weed out" the weak, and the guys who didn't really want it.

    

       Then, one day I showed up for condition and there was nobody there. There was just a sign on the door that said it was cancelled. This was extremely odd. I ran into somebody else from the team a few minutes later and asked them why, and they had no idea. I was so happy that I didn't have to run, but I was confused. I figured that people would actually be in the gym and feel like playing today, but it was a ghost town. The next day it was the same thing, with a side note: "Team meeting in room so and so at 5pm", or something to that affect.

      Once I arrived, everybody from the team was outside this room waiting and gossiping. It was extremely bizarre. When we were finally let into the classroom, everybody took a seat except the coach and one of the players. The coach told us that a tragedy had struck the team, but he didn’t really elaborate. He left the floor to the player to tell us a story. This particular player was a tall, slender, Italian-looking kid. I remember he was a center, but not very good. He wasn’t very physical and he couldn’t really finish plays. I cant remember his name for a lot of reasons, but mainly because I didn’t really know many guys on the team. Many of them had played together and lived together for a few years. I didn’t really know many people at all; I lived off campus, which had its pros and cons. One of the biggest cons was of course, meeting people.

      Anyways, he told us that he had went out drinking with his friend/roommate/teammate “Mark”, a few days prior. Mark was another tall, uncoordinated, center with red hair. He was sort of different looking, shy, but seemed like a nice guy to me. I remember seeing him help push a girls car out of the snow once when she was stuck.

He said that he didn’t know how much Mark had to drink, but that when they got home he was in the bathroom vomiting. Then he said he went to sleep and was awoken by Mark being very loud and falling down in the bathroom. He said he opened the door and that Mark had fallen down and broke some things in the bathroom, and that he looked like he had vomited blood and was unconscious but having a type of seizure maybe. Then, he said that he called 911 and that they came and took him to the hospital. His voice was very shaky from the start, but not it began to break. “I was just sitting in the waiting room and the doctor came out and told me the my friend had expired. I told him that I didn’t know what that meant. The doctor told me that he had passed away. I was shocked and the thought of death had never even crossed my mind”. He continued to tell us that they were not using any drugs, and that he did not have any indication that he might have done anything to harm himself. It was very, very sad and uncomfortable. A lot of guys who were close to Mark were a mess, I felt like I didn’t belong there. I didn’t even really know him, I had only seen him in the crowd and ran with him for 4 weeks. Then the coach told us something that I will never forget. He said that we should all take this time to call the people who we care about and let them know how we feel, because you never know. Life is a very precious thing, and we should be grateful for what we have, and the people who care about us.

     Conditioning resumed a few days later, and at the end of the 5 weeks I came down with a cold. It was the day of the mile run at 5am, it was also the first official day of try-outs. I walked 2 miles to campus sick as a dog, and I ran the race of my life. I finished in 5:50, 4th place out of 30 people. I couldn’t believe how well I had done. But, only 2 people made the 5:35 that coach had required us to make. He went crazy, threw his clipboard and began screaming at all of us. It was bizarre, considering how hard everybody had worked and everything we had been through.
     I wanted to holler back at him so bad, worse than I have ever wanted to curse out anybody. And If I could go back in time I would scream at him on the top of my lungs;
 "You stupid idiot, how dare you? Do you have ANY idea how hard we have worked? For 5 weeks straight while you have been sitting on your ass, we have been sprinting like we were training to run in the Olympics! We have ran until we thought we were going to fucking die! In fact, somebody did die! He probably died because of you! And you have the audacity to scream at us!? For what? For not working hard enough to fucking die? I have never seen a group of guys work this hard before, and its not good enough for you? We are basketball players, not marathon runners, you stupid fucker!"
......But, of course, I didn't. I couldn't. Physically I didn't have the energy. And, I was at the finish line, so I wasn't going to jeopardize my chance to play now.


That afternoon when official try outs began, we ran 3-4 drills for only about 20 minutes when he took half of us to the side and told us we had to try out for JV. I was so fucking pissed off, I could feel fire coming out of my ears. What was the point of all the running if it didn't earn us an opportunity to showcase our basketball ability? It felt like I had broken my back for this guy, a lot of us had, and that he didn't give one tiny shit about it. Five straight weeks of pure hell, just for this asshole to do that. I wanted to pick up a basketball and throw it at his face as hard as I could, I could feel it. And just when I was about to explode and scream all of those horrible things at him, I felt a sense of relief run over me. As it started to sink in, I realized that I didn't have to run anymore. And I must admit, that felt pretty good. I had given it my all and I wouldn’t have to live with the regret of not trying, that was my main concern anyways.
 I knew there was no way in the world I was going to continue to break my back to play JV, especially after everything I had put myself through already, only to be brushed off so quickly. Plus, when he told us that anybody who didn’t make the 5:35 had to be in the work out room at 5am the next day, I laughed. What a sham, I thought to myself. What a joke it all was, how senseless? You push us so hard for 5 straight weeks and then don’t even give us the opportunity we earned to show you what we could do? "Fuck that guy", I thought to myself. He doesn't deserve to have me on his team. I wasn't the only one, there were 2 or 3 other "top" players in that group. They stayed and listened, I just couldn't. So with the only dignity I had left, I got up and walked out of my college basketball career before it began.


      After basketball ended, the school work was a breeze. In hindsight I began to think about all of the things I had learned from the experience.  I realized that I was capable of pushing myself much further that I had ever conceived possible. There were so many times throughout that process that I wanted to give up but I didn't. I ran like a lightning bolt. And when our intermural team "scrimmaged" the varsity team, it wasn't a scrimmage. We beat them by 34 points, in front of their coach. I suppose it offered me some comfort.
       My mother never once came to visit me during the 2 and a half years I lived in Fredonia, and she only called twice. She said that she didn’t have long distance, or a calling card. I was upset about it deep down, deep down it really hurt. She wasn't the typical mother like my roommate had, who would call just to see how he was and send him money. My brother moved to Lakewood before my final semester, it sucked not having him there anymore. I know he would've stayed if I was playing on the team. My best friend moved out that last semester too, and I barely ever seen him. I felt like it was me against the world. I was all alone. I made it though that entire final semester with only $36.
Then, I took the coaches advice and called my mother and told her that I loved her. It did provide some healing. I even wrote him an email and thanked him for the advice. She did come to Fredonia for the first time on the day of my graduation. She even brought my dad, who I hadn't seen in forever. It was one of the only times I had ever seen him sober. And when I left Fredonia later that day for good, I cried. I cried because I knew I was going to miss it there, because I had learned so much about myself there. I learned how to be resilient and self-sufficient. I learned that I was capable of pushing myself beyond any preconceived limits. But I also learned not to push too hard, some things are just not worth it.


Monday, March 2, 2015

Of Course

It all happened so fast, I didn't feel a thing.
You never do.
Follow the light. Wait. Am I supposed to?
Of course.
It was all coated in powdery snow
glowing like a diamond glacier
beneath an unexpected sunshine.
I squinted, understanding.
Of course
Deja vu encompassed me and
it didn't leave this time.
That inner warmth was restored
which only comes from being
home.
At last, and just how I had left it.
Of course.
Why was I so afraid?
Perhaps I enjoy it?
Fear only exists to manifest
Tranquility.
Never a moment too soon
nor a moment too late.
Of Course.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Crazy Kaz vs. Bruce Banner


       I find it necessary to offer a prerequisite to this story. I know and I understand that the events outlined in this story are all my own fault. However, because my stories are all 100% true (Aside from the ones labeled "Fiction", obviously) I find it necessary to never stray from the facts to try to portray myself as righteous, unless I believe it so. In this case, I am certainly the "villain in the shadows", but that's ok with me. It's fucking hilarious!


     In June of 2003 I didn't have much going on. I had just finished community college and wasn't sure what I was going to do next. I couldn't find a job so I was just spending my days and nights hanging out with friends. One friend in particular, Robbie Kazmark, was looking for work also, and so he had a significant amount of free time on his hands too. During the day-time we would search for jobs, always unsuccessfully. There were a couple days when we found some day-laboring stuff but I never did. Then, in the evenings we would be depressed about our current situations...and so we would drink. Consuming alcohol has always numbed the pain of shitty circumstances, if only for a few hours.
    Anyways, one night we had been boozing and it had gotten to be really late. We were having a good time and having fun making some 2am prank phone calls. I always dial *67 before any number so that it will block the number from any caller ID. We were trying to think of somebody to call and I decided to call my brother Dave. My brother was living in Endicott at the time and working as an "Assistant Nursing Home Administrator". He knows all of my alternate voices that I use all too well so I let Robbie talk. He asked me what Dave's girlfriends name was and I told him. Now, it is important to attempt to describe Robbie for the sake of the story. Robbie is a very kind-hearted guy who would give a stranger the shirt off his back, but he is very sinister. In fact, he portrays himself as a deviant on a regular basis. With his "zero-sensor" language and his "fuck off" attitude towards artificial people, you might think he is a rebel. For this reason I had labeled him in my cell phone as "Crazy Kaz". However, anybody who truly knows him would tell you that he is a stand-up guy, I guarantee it.

      After I dialed the number and handed him the phone I had absolutely no idea what he was going to say, but I knew it would be funny and dirty. "One David Reynolds, ha ha ha. Two David Reynolds ha ha haa". He was using the voice of "The Count", the vampire character from the TV show: "Sesame Street." He continued; "I fucked your girlfriend ha ha ha. One time I fuck your girlfriend ha ha ha. Two times I fuck your girlfriend ha ha ha." Of course I could only hear one side of the conversation, but this is the gist of it. And it went on and on for about 5 whole minutes with Robbie never once breaking character and only getting more and more graphic in his details. After he hung up I had asked him how he kept my brother on the phone for so long. He said that he sounded pissed off and was trying to figure out who it was. Anyways, I think we made a few more calls to some random people and then Robbie went home. The next day my brother called me pissed off, asking who had called him. There was absolutely no way I was going to tell him, he was way too pissed off. And besides, it was my idea to call him anyways.



       Four months later I was living in Fredonia, NY. I had decided to transfer to college there in order to work on my bachelors degree. I had deliberately chosen Fredonia as one of the schools I applied to because my brother Dave was now living there. He had gotten promoted to "Nursing Home Administrator" and had to relocate for the position. Because we were both new to the area, we didn't really know many locals. Therefore, I spent a number of nights and weekends hanging out with him at his apartment. When he got his new job he had gotten a significant raise to accompany it. And being that he was single, with no kids, he now had disposable income to throw around. He would use some of it to bribe me to go pick up his take-out or to coheres my roommate to do stupid things. For instance, one time he paid my roommate $30 to eat 6 McDonalds double cheeseburgers. And another time he paid him $20 to do a lap around his apartment wearing only underwear and dress shoes. There was a festival going on across the street so there were about 300 people who seen it. My brother and I were standing on the roof watching, I don't know if I've ever seen him laugh so hard in my whole life. My brother was always coming up with ridiculous challenges for money. Here was a guy with a high-profile job making upwards of 6-figures, and yet on his spare time he was such a child at heart. This is the reason he has always been listed in my cell phone as "Bruce Banner". His middle name is "Bruce", and he had the alter-ego thing nailed.
      One afternoon we were sitting around watching TV and having a few beers when he brought up the prank call from 4 months ago. I again stuck to my guns, telling him that I had absolutely nothing to do with it and that I had no idea who had called him. However, anybody who knows my brother Dave knows damn well that he can get you to tell him anything. Among his various traits lies a true art in the manipulation of people. That is why he is able to get people to do stupid things, and that is how he got me to give up some critical information. First, he flashes the wad of cash to the struggling college student. Next, he promises that he means no harm to "The Count", he just wants his identity. I ask him; "Why? Why do you want to know who he is so bad then"? He replies; "I just want to get him back. You don't understand just how pissed I was. I couldn't sleep, I was shaking mad". I apologize to him, I explain that it was all my fault and that I put "The Count" up to it. I told him that he doesn't even know him anyways, and so the information would deem useless. I thought that this would be enough, but of course it wasn't. "I just want to get him back. Just tell me his name, his phone number, and one personal thing about him and this is yours". He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $50 bill. And so the stage is set.

     He hands me the bill and I give him Robbie's name and cell phone number. He asks me where he works and I tell him that he doesn't. He is on unemployment making $202 a week, I've seen his checks. At this moment a sinister little smile comes over his face and he says; "Perfect", and then he reaches for a pen and paper. I respond; "What? You gonna call him and tell him hes not gonna be getting paid anymore"? He looks at me grinning and says; "No, I'm gonna make him think hes getting more".
     Now, I didn't know exactly what he had in store, but after scribbling on that pad for only about 5 minutes he reached for his phone.


 Dave:    "Hi, can I speak to Robert Kaz..merk (He purposely stumbles with the pronunciation in order to create the delusion of "I don't know how to say your name") please?"

Robbie: "This is him"

Dave: "Hi Robert, my name is Stanley Kingston I work for the New York State unemployment benefits department, how are you today?"

Robbie: "Good".

Dave: "Good. The reason for my call today is that I was going over your file today and I noticed a slight discrepancy on your claim, a discrepancy on our end that is. I notice here that you are currently collecting $202 on a weekly basis, is that correct"?

Robbie: "Yes".

Dave: "Yea, you see there was a clerical error on our end that we just caught today. It appears that your weekly rate should have been $284.93, and that should have been your accurate all along. I notice that you have been receiving these inaccurate checks for some time now. Basically the reason for the call is just to let you know that we have corrected the error and that I am in the process of getting the claim correctly paid up to date as we speak. I really apologize for the error, it was actually a personal error. What I'm going to do is send you out a check today for the balance if that's ok? In order to get taken care of".

Robbie: "Yea, that sounds great"!

Dave: "Yea, it looks like its going to be, (He makes some meaningless noise on a calculator he has near him) $1,877.49........Now, that is the difference of the pro-rated amount minus the funds you have been paid previously".

Robbie: "Aww, that's great! Such perfect timing too I gotta buy books for school that I been worrying about!"

Dave: "Excellent. Like I said, I truly apologize for the error on our end and I will get that check in the mail for you today."

Robbie: "Awesome! Thank you so much"

Dave: "Thank you for understanding have a nice day"

Robbie: "You too!"


      Immediately after he hangs up the phone he leans back in his chair and bellows in laughter. It was such an awful prank to pull. I tell him that he went to far and he says; "Dude, he fucking called me at 2am in the voice of count fucking Dracula, waking me up telling me that he fucked my girlfriend! I thought somebody died! That's the only reason I get calls at 2am!"
     He stewed about the call for about 20 minutes or so, wondering what must be going through Robbie's head. Then he talked me into calling him. At first I told him I wasn't going to do it, but then he said; "What if hes spending money he doesn't have though?" Wow, I thought to myself, "Like you would give a fuck!" He started laughing again....but he had a point, I had to call.

Robbie: "Hey Dude!"

Me: "What ya doin"?

Robbie: "Im goin to the mall! Unemployment just called, they have been fucking me!"

Me: (Trying to hold it in) "What do you mean"?

Robbie: "Yea, fucking unemployment has been shorting me for a year and I caught them"! (Im not positive he said "caught", I cant remember exactly. But I think so.)


      He was absolutely pumped! It fucking killed me to have to bring him back to reality. I could tell that he was in his car and on top of the world. I told him; "My brother wants me to tell you that you guys are even now from "The Count"." He didn't understand......

I said; "My brother is Stanley Kingston"?
"Who?" he said. He still didn't understand.
"My brother is the one who called you as a prank. There is no money"

He paused and I could hear the life come out of him; "Noooooooooooo" he said, and then he hung up. He didn't talk to me for a long time after that, and I cant say that I blame him one bit. I got lucky, he eventually forgave me.
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Thanks for being a good sport and letting me share Robbie!
RIP Bruce Banner, there will never be another one like you.


     

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Pranking via Kemyatta

     I worked in the finance department of a hospital in Jamestown, NY from 2009-2014. During my time there I had worked all 3 shifts at one point or another, and so I got to know all of the people in finance. When I worked 2nd shift I was in charge of hospital admissions, it would be crazy busy at times. However, there were some days when it wasn't and I would have down-time to bullshit with some of the women who worked in outpatient registration. Their work area was located just outside my office so it was impossible to avoid them. This is how I met Kemyatta Austin. Every once in a while you meet someone who is simply on the same frequency of life as yourself, and you gravitate towards them. And when you connect with these people, at some point you realize that you will be friends with them forever. Kemyatta was a blast to chat with, we would poke fun at each other all the time and it always seemed to make time at work go by much quicker.
     Anyways, when I got moved to the day shift my office was upstairs, so I didn't see Kemyatta very much. However, I would go down to her office during my break-time most days just to bullshit with her. She didn't care much for most of her co-workers, and I could tell that some of them didn't like her very much either. Kemyatta was very outspoken, she pulled no punches and she didn't have one tiny little problem telling any and everybody just how she felt about them. It would be accurate to say that I liked this about her. There were some extremely "artificial" people who worked amongst us, and she lived to call them out on it. She would always have a squabble going with somebody each day, and this was primarily the topic of our conversations. The way she would describe the altercations was fucking hilarious.

     One day I had went to see her during my break and she seemed upset. She said that her sister had played some sort of prank of her and she was steaming about it. I told her; "So lets get her back".

Kemyatta: How"?

Me: "Easy. Just tell me one thing about her".

Kemyatta: "What do you mean"?

Me: "Just tell me one thing about her personal life, and I'll show you".

Kemyatta: "Hmmm. She went to the gynecologist yesterday".

Me: "Perfect"! (Honestly, it was. There couldn't have been anything better) "Do you know which one"?

Kemyatta: "Yea. Why?"

     I quickly did a google search for the phone number of her sisters gynecologist. Then, I told Kemyatta about this website that allows you to call anybody you want, and you can make any number appear on that persons caller ID. Then, I went to the website and punched in her sisters cell phone number. And, I made sure that it would show the gynocologists phone number on her caller ID. The stage was set. I made her promise me up and down that she would never tell her sister I was involved. She agreed...

Kemyattas sister: "Hello"

Me: "Hi, can I please speak to Kemyattas sister"? (I don't have her permission to use her name)

Kemyattas sister: "This is her"

Me: "Hi this is (So and so) calling from Dr (So and so's) office. How are you"?

Kemyattas sister: "Im fine".

Me: "Hmm, Im kind of surprised to hear you say that. I was reviewing you test results and I found something very alarming. Are you sitting down"?

Kemyattas sister: (VERY concerned) "Yes.....what is it"?!!?!

.........click, and I hung up the phone.

     I looked at Kemyatta and I snickered. She burst out laughing. It was a horrible yet brilliant prank to pull. You see, I had inherited the gift of "Master Prankster" from my oldest brother David. It is a very dangerous gift, but it can be humorous and useful at times also. If I were a "Master" of the craft, my brother certainly wrote the book. A prank of this magnitude wouldn't even register on his scale. However, that is a different story entirely.
     Kemyatta and I let that phone call marinate for only about 5 minutes and then she called her sister to see how she was doing. Her sister was in hysteria as she explained to (a mistakenly clueless) Kemyatta what had just transpired. She said that she called back the gyno office and went "nuts". Here she was shaking in her shoes, and the gyno office is telling her they didn't even call her. "I fucking hit redial on my phone mother fucker" she had allegedly screamed at them. They had responded to her with; "We don't even have any men who work in our office"! It was epic, I would have died to hear this conversation first hand. After she was finished her rant to Kemyatta, (Who was dying laughing the entire time) I hear her say "We even".
"What"? she sister responded.
"Remember that shit you did to me? We even now. That was me that called you"! Kemyatta said.
"What? How did you..."
"Don't even worry about it, we even now" and she hung up the phone and burst out laughing.

     It was certainly a tasteless prank to pull on somebody, put it did the trick. Kemyatta wasn't pissed off anymore. And with that, my break-time was over.
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     About a year or so after this previous episode, I was in her office again on break. Kemyatta was telling me about how she had got a part-time job at a gas station and she was starting that night. The finance department paid like crap, and so it was nearly impossible to pay your basic bills if you lived alone. I know a number of people who have to work second jobs in order to make ends meet, its bullshit.
     I should have said that Kemyatta made the mistake of telling me about her new part-time job. Because, as soon as she told me about it I began to brainstorm ways to prank her. I suppose it is just the way that my brain operates at times. Like I said, it is an inherited trait. I cant tell you how many times I have placed wagers with my friends that went like this; "How much do you want to bet I can get this pizza place to deliver chicken wings with no meat on them"? That's right. I can and have called pizza places and asked them to remove the meat from the chicken wings. "I only want the bones", I would explain to them.

     Anyways, Kemyatta told me that tonight was her first night and she was nervous about it. She said that she gets out of work at the hospital at 4:30 and that she had to be at the gas station from 5-9. So, once I got home from work, I drank a couple beers and then waited until about 7:30. I did a quick google search for the gas station and called the number. I was thinking in my head; "Please let her answer". And to me delight, sure enough,

Kemyatta: "(so and so mart) this is Kemyatta"

Me: (In a disguised voice. I have several) "Yea, do y'all sel condoms there"?

Kemyatta; "Hold on".....(I could hear kemyatta asking her co-worker if they sell condoms. lol) "Yea"

Me: "What kind"?

Kemyatta: "Hold on"....(I could hear her asking what kind) "Trojan".

Me: "That's the only kind"?

Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking again) "Yea"

Me: "How much are those"?

Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking how much lol) "$3.99"

Me: "What size are those"?

Kemyatta: (again, she asked lol) "Regular size".

Me: "Are they flavored"

Kemyatta: (I swear.....she asked) "No, they're not"

Me: (Doing everything I could not to laugh. I had to take a deep breath) "Ok, thank you"

Kemyatta: "Yep"

     The next day at work I couldn't wait until break time. I scooted downstairs to Kemyattas office and I opened the door. Then, in the same voice I used on my phone call the night before, I said; "Do y'all sell condoms"? Her eyes got really big and she looked like she wanted to kill me. I quickly closed the door and I ran. As soon as I got back to my desk I had an email from her. It said; "Daniel, YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID! I HATE YOU!". I died laughing. When I went down to her office on break she wouldn't even talk to me. All she said was, "My first night Daniel? I felt like such an asshole asking my boss what size condoms we sell". Luckily, Kemyatta had a good sense of humor about it. There was another incident when she didn't respond so good.......
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     This one time I was in the check out line at Rite Aid and I noticed Kemyatta at the front of the line. She didn't see me standing there, so it was perfect. She had asked the cashier for some cigarettes or something from behind the counter. As the cashier was ringing her up I hollered; "You better check her ID". I said it very honestly and sincerely. Kemyatta looked back and seen me; "Shut up", she said. I respond again; "I used to work at Walgreens and she got me fired. She works for the police department and catches people who sell tobacco products to underage people", again, I said it very seriously. Now, the cashier had a very paranoid look on her face when I didn't smile or acknowledge it was a joke. "Its your job", I said. Kemyatta stopped shuffling through her wad of cash and turned to me at the back of the line; "Daniel, if you don't shut the fuck up I swear to god"! Now, mind you, there was 2 lines full of people standing there witnessing this.
     "I liked that job too, until I got fired. Go ahead and sell it to her, the police will be right in", I said. Again, the cashier and now all the people standing in line were getting nervous. I am pretty sure the cashier was fearing for her job at this point, but the customers were afraid Kemyatta was going to kill me. This time she lashed out; "Daniel, I am not playing with you! Im gonna come back there and punch you in the fucking face!". I was doing everything I possibly could to keep a straight face. I wasn't concerned, I knew that if she came for me I was much quicker than her. Kemyatta looked at the cashiers face and snarled; "Do you want to see my fucking ID"? The cashier shook her head "no", I think she only said "no" because she was scared. She had such a look on confusion and nervousness on her face, I will never forget it. Everybody in both lines were extremely nervous, but I was dying inside.
    The cashier completed the transaction and Kemyatta exited the store. On her way out she said; "You play too fucking much Daniel. Im not in the mood!". I look over towards the cashier and say; "Its your job. Here comes the cops".

Friday, January 16, 2015

College Parking

     When I was in college I thought it was absolutely ridiculous when I found out students had to pay for parking. After all, the university was located in the middle of a very busy freeway, how else were students supposed to get to class? If you are going to charge someone for school, shouldn't you provide them a place to park their vehicle? I mean, doesn't society want to encourage its people to further their education rather that give them reasons not to?

     Since I graduated from college in 2005, I have realized that it is one of the biggest scams going. “We are lending money we don't have to kids who can't pay it back to train them for jobs that no longer exist". - Mike Rowe. The cost of an education has risen considerably every single year, and the amount of student debt has more than quadrupled over the past decade alone. However, this essay will only focus on the ridiculousness which is the "parking pass".

     When I was in college the cost of a parking pass was only about $50 per car, per semester. Now, I say "only", because this was only 10-15 years ago and now some students are paying in excess of $700/semester. This entire concept alone is absurd, but let me just put it into perspective. Lets say I owned a fitness center, and I charged $40 a month for a membership. This fee allowed the users to come and go 24/7 and use all of the equipment in my fitness center. However, the fitness center is located in a plaza which I also own. So, I then sold parking passes for $20/month to park in my plaza. Then, I hired a private "security" company to just issue tickets to those who are caught violating. (Parking in the plaza without a pass) How ridiculous of a concept is this?

     Almost every university that I am aware of employs a "security" company. They make it seem as though they are there to protect students, however their main function is to write citations for those without a pass. Actually, I take that back....

They can write tickets for a number of different offenses, here are the ones I recieved:
1 - Parking without a pass
2 - Parking in the teachers lot with a students pass
3 - Having your parking pass located on the wrong part of your vehicle
4 - Parking in a spot which is not an actual "parking spot". (Some people are forced to park along the shoulder of the lot or in the grass because the university does not provide enough spots)
5 - Parking where you thought was a spot, but when the snow melted later in the day and the lines became visible, it was no longer a spot.

    Now, during my very first semester in Community College I had received "tickets" for all of the above mentioned offenses. My account balance for the above mentioned offenses totaled over $200 and the college refused to transfer any academic credits or allow graduation with this balance outstanding. Now, lets examine all of the incidences...

1 - I had parked my car very far away from the school in a university approved parking spot. I went to the registration office to purchase my parking pass. However, when I came back to my car to put it on, I had received a ticket during this small window of time. I took the ticket back to the registration office and explained my situation. She said; "Just bring your car into our lot, I will go outside and see it on your car, and write it off". So, I walked all the way back to my car again, (It was a good 10 minute walk) tried to park it in their lot, but there was no spaces except for a handicapped spot. I wasn't going to risk it, the line in there was too long, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had gotten another ticket. Also, the woman had just sold me the parking pass, why could she have not just written it off? So anyways, I park around back and go back into the office. When it is my turn, I tell her; "Ok, I brought my car up so you can look at the pass on my car". She comes outside and I tell her to follow me around back. "No, you have to pull it up front, I cant go that far away from my office"
"But there are no spots out front. It is right out back, it will only take 20 seconds"
"Sorry, I cant"
Now, at this point I am frustrated beyond measure. There is no place to park it out front. The ticket is only for $20 because it was my first offense. So, in a John Wayne moment of rage, I take the ticket back into the office with the crumbled up money and throw it at her. "Here is the ticket and the money. Have a nice fucking day"! I felt like I had been vindicated, like I had gotten my moneys worth and took out my frustration. But on my way out of the office she hollers back; "You have to pay that in student accounts"!

2 - Being unable to find a spot, I figured what the hell, I wouldn't even go to class then. I will just park in the teachers lot for 5 minutes and go hand in my paper. This 5 minutes turned into 15 and of course a ticket was on my dashboard upon returning.

3 - One day I returned to my car and was astonished to find a ticket, I had followed all of their stupid rules. The ticket said "Inappropriate decal". Now, at the time I had a large decal on the passenger side of my car which read: "POWERED BY DEEZ NUTZ". So, naturally, I thought it was referring to this. I quickly went and retrieved a security "officer" and questioned him. He said; "Yea, you have to put your "decal" on the driver side of your car, you can have one on the passenger side." Now, thinking he was referring to the "Deez Nutz" decal I explained to him; "It doesn't simply come off". He said; "Yes it does, it has to be on the other side". I had some choice words for him and then went on with my day.

4 - This one is the biggie. The university simply did not have enough parking spots to facilitate all of its students. I believe this is the reason they even employed a "security" staff. They knew damn well that they had way more students than they had parking spots, they had to of. I say this because, they certainly know how many students they have, and they know how many spots they have available. And, for every single spot to be filled up at 8:15 in the morning, I am guessing that the numbers aren't even close. So, some students would manufacture parking spots. They would either park in the grass or on the shoulder of the lot. These cars would ALWAYS have tickets on them, every single one of them. Now, picture this: The school is now writing tickets and charging students because the school does not have enough parking spots to facilitate the students that they have already charged to park. Please, let that sink in for a moment. The university has the audacity to penalize people (when they had no right to charge for parking in the first place) who have paid to park, and yet there are not enough spots. All I can say to this one is: "S... M. M.....F...... D... B...."!

5 - I began to arrive at school at 745am for an 8am class. I made sure to get there early so I would have a parking spot, and a relatively close one at that. Although I hated their parking policies, I figured this would finally alleviate the issue. It had snowed the night before and so the ground was completely covered. It was impossible to see any parking lines, so I just parked beside the other cars. It was a long day, I had several classes and a bunch of work to do, so I was there for most of the day. As the day went on, the sun had apparently risen and the snow had melted. When I arrived back to my car, it had a ticket on it for not parking within the lines and taking up 2 spaces.

----For all of these "offenses" I had tried to get them dropped to no avail. I will never forget the day the lady in student accounts sternly scolded me; "Listen Bud, this place is a business before it is a school"! I hated that college and everything it stood for.


During the next school year I had arrived again without a new parking pass. As I ran to the registration department all I could think about was getting a ticket for not having a new pass. After I got my pass, I ran all the way back to my car, and while on my way I noticed one of the security cars in the vicinity of my car. My blood began to boil. I had a large, plastic water bottle in my hand that was about half way full. It was at that moment I decided that if I had a fucking ticket on my car I was going to launch it at their car.
The closer and closer I got to my car my anger only increased. Then, to my despair, I noticed the bright orange citation fluttering in the wind beneath my windshield wiper. I was completely enraged and full of disgust. The anger had reached its breaking point and I had completely snapped. I cocked back that bottle of spring water and was just about to chuck it at the security car when I paused for a moment. What was I thinking? I had that parking pass right in my pocket, I suppose he technically had the right to give me the ticket for "No parking pass", right? So, I did the only thing I could possibly do in this moment of unweathering rage. I unlocked the door to my car, opened the door, and gently applied the adhesive side of the parking permit to the appropriate location on the rear, driver side window. Then, I locked the door, and began walking towards the security car, (I didn't want to miss) where I seen the "officer" writing a ticket. Then, I unleashed ALL of the anger I had for ALL of the times they had fucked with me. I reached back and I chucked that bottle of spring water as hard as I possibly could at the front of the security car. It hit the hood and exploded as it collided with the windshield and when flying. I seen the security guard with his pen and pad jump, startled as I screamed; "What the fuck"?!?!?!?!?!?!??

..........yes, finally, this was MY moment

This frail, scrawny little security officer suddenly became all turkey-chested. "What the hell man" he said. I responded with all my anger; "You fucking idiots give me tickets every goddamn day and I'm sick of it"! He comes over and examines the ticket, sees the permit in my window and has an astonished look on his face. He begins to apologize but I don't allow it, this was MY moment after all the bullshit they have put me through, I was going to take it out on him. "Every goddamn day you pieces of shit man" I tell him at the top of my lungs. Finally he says; "Listen, I might be a security guard but I have the authority to arrest you". I could hear the shakiness in his voice. In my anger I respond; "Oh yea, you put one hand on my and I'm fucking breaking it off"! He gets on his little walkee talkee as I tear up the ticket and get into my car and drive away. And I have to admit, I felt really, really good about it.

However, looking back I realize who is really to blame. It wasn't that poor officers fault, all he had done was selected a shitty job. Who would want to write tickets and ruin peoples days for a living? And it wasn't my fault, (Eh, maybe a little bit) I was just trying to further my education. The blame lie in the greed of the university. In fact, if you look deep enough...pretty much EVERY single problem in this world can be attributed to greed somewhere along the line. I challenge you to just think about it for a minute.


(Sorry, I didn't proof read this post, the concept disgust me too much)



    

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Not Yet - Part 3 of 3 (Fiction)

Allison had completely lost control of the whole "translator" role by now. With the astonished look on her face she asks; "You were in a plane crash"? She quickly relayed the message to the doctor who just laughed and shook it off. It was clear that he didn't believe.
     The laptop that had Allison on it was on a set of wheels, I removed it. I brought up google.com and typed "Plane crash US Air to Germany". A number of articles appeared immediately, the words; "no survivors" and "268 dead" jumped out at me. It also stated that the crash occurred 23 days ago, apparently the aircraft had landed in the ocean and they were still recovering items and searching for the black box. I showed the article to the doctor but he didn't understand.
     I told Allison, "Listen, I was on a red eye from the US to Germany exactly 23 days ago. The plane was going down and I jumped out with a parachute. Can you please contact like the US embassy or somebody like that? I just got out of a coma, and I would like to let people know I am alive".
She looked at me in complete and utter astonishment; "Listen, if you're fucking with me I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for this. There are HIPPA and privacy laws against this shit." I have to admit, she looked even more cute when she was serious.
    I looked at her with a very serious face and said; "Please help me. I don't know where I am."



The next few months were absolutely crazy. I worked with Universal to create an accurate film about my experience. There are a few good things and a few bad things that happened as a result of this escapade.

1 - I did get to appear on Letterman (It was during his final week of shows too, so it was very special)

2 - I tried to sue the airline for almost killing me. However, there is a funny thing about major airlines, they have a lot of $. Therefore, they attacked my cheap attorney with the best attorneys money could buy. Then, they countersued me on grounds that I caused the aircraft to lose cabin pressure and that all the deaths could have been my fault. What a joke. But then they proposed to drop their lawsuit if I dropped mine. (Of course they never recovered the black box. How convenient)

3 - I have never experienced anxiety since that day, I live only for today now. It is amazing to think that I was so terrified of death, and that the cure would lie in almost dying. I would recommend it to everybody. There is not a breath I take for granted.

4 - Allison and I hung out a few times. We actually met in person for the first time on the David letterman show. She was even more beautiful in person. A few weeks later, I confessed my love for her. I told her how I will always associate her face with survival and joy. She said that she needs time to let things blow over, (Prolly just an excuse, women never just say "no".) but Im holding onto hope.

5 - I never ended up getting that procedure done in Germany. How ironic that I make the trip to improve my health coupled with the series of events that would follow.

The moral of the story: We waste out entire lives daydreaming about future happiness. "One day my life will be, (Fill in the blank) and I will be happy then. No.......no you wont. Appreciate today for what it is, tomorrow may not even exist. There is so much to be thankful for. If you cannot find joy in today, what makes you think it will exist tomorrow?

Not Yet - Part 2 of 3 (Fiction)

We had run into heavy turbulence and were being shaken around violently. As I looked around, everybody already had concerned looks on their faces, everybody that is, except the stewardess. She was wearing a giant (fake) smile. Im sure that her very first lesson in; "How to be a stewardess", they teach you to always remain calm. Her facial expression only added to my anxiety. I quickly shuffled through my pockets for my xanax, I popped them and chewed them violently without anything to drink. I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest, I could feel the blood flushing through me so quickly that I tingled.
   
     Immediately another loud bang was followed by seeing carry-on luggage falling from above and a ringing noise in my ears. People were standing up and making hand movements towards the stewardess but I couldn't hear anything, I think I might have hit my head. An Asian woman was on her cell phone in front of me, she looked like she was screaming, a tear was falling down her cheek.
    My hearing came back suddenly and I felt a pain in the side of my head, coupled with a warm liquid on my ear. I touched it and seen blood. The sight of blood made the screaming reverberate somehow. Finally the captain came over the speaker and everybody got stone cold silent. He spoke in a calm yet shaky voice; "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Im sure you have noticed some turbulence. We have been experiencing some difficulties but everything will be fine. We may have to land a bit early and change planes, but you are not in danger".
    This announcement actually calmed me down a bit, it calmed everybody. However, moments later a man stood up and said; "Do you really think he would tell us if we were going to crash"?! Fuck, he had a good point. The shouting resumed. A man hollered back at him; "The captian said everything is fine idiot. Why are you trying to scare people"? They kept arguing but I just thought of my parachute. Despite having very shaky hands and limited space, I put the parachute on in less than a minute. The guy sitting next to me said; "What the fuck dude"? He had a very confused look on his face but I didn't care. The plane felt like it was just coasting and then it flipped completely to one side. People flopped around, the ones who were standing fell against the windows on the other side. Moments later the plane leveled back out and I decided that this was the moment of truth.
    I was just about to hit the levers on the door and jump into the night, taking my chances when the captain came over the loud speaker again. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some bad news.....", that was all I heard. I immediately thrust both of the levers on the emergency exit and smashed into it as hard as I possibly could. That is the last thing I remember.


     When I woke up I felt an immense pain in my right leg and arm. I could not see anything and I couldn't move very much. It was hard to breath and it felt like I was stuck in a tree. Suddenly I passed out again. When I awoke this time the sun had begun to peak out and I could see. I was lodged inside a large bush, I could see a body of water about 300 yards away. It was still really hard to move, my right arm was in so much pain and it was stuck in the branches. I used my left arm to free my right arm from the brush, I was afraid to look at it. Luckily it looked fine, but it killed. Eventually I had made my way out of the bush but my right leg was definitely broken. I crawled for about an hour towards the beach before I passed out again from exhaustion.
    When I awoke I remember seeing a woman with wet hair and wearing a 2 piece suit. She was a thin brunette and she was holding a towel and screaming in what I thought was French. I could not understand what she was saying and I passed out again.
    The next time I awoke I was in a hospital bed with my entire body locked in place. I began hollering but nobody came. I closed my eyes and heard a noise about 10 minutes later, I opened my eyes and seen a cleaning lady. I hollered at her and she looked at me. She looked very shocked and then she ran out of the room. A doctor came into the room shortly there after with a nurse, but they didn't speak English. They were trying to find out what language I spoke or that they could get an interpreter. I remember the very first thing the doctor said to me was "Ca Va"? And I just looked at him in a sarcastic manner. "Look at me man"! The truth was, that I was so fucking ecstatic to be alive that I could have kissed them all. I told them; "I am American, and I speak English", I told them very slowly and sternly. The doctor nodded and left the room.


     I had a dream the previous night that I had landed in Atlantis, and that I had found the lost city. Everybody was trying to book me appearances on David Letterman, Conan, etc. Apparently, I was now the most famous man in the world. It has aloways been my dream to be on Letterman, so I was really pumped up. When I awoke I wondered what type of drugs they had been feeding me to make me have such an awesome dream.

     When the doctor came back into the room, he had a laptop computer and a video chat feed on it. There was a very pretty blonde woman who said to me; "Hi there, I am an interpreter from www.medicalinterpretor.com, how are you"?
"I am not very good, as you can imagine", I replied. As soon as I replied, she translated to the doctor.
He then asked her a question and she asked me; "How did you get to  Morgat if you are an American?"
"On an airplane of course", I responded. Just then it hit me that I had cut myself from the parachute, so they probably had no idea that I was an emergency skydiver. I chucked to myself. Never, ever, lose your sense of humor, it can provide a cure above all else. I was so grateful to be alive, that to my astonishment I wasn't even anxious. Anxiety had ruled my life for so long, but I felt none. Given the extreme circumstances, I should be drowning in it right now. How was I ok? Wait, was I ok? I hadn't even checked, was I missing ligaments?
I quickly asked for a mirror. The translator relayed the request to the doctor who was at first apprehernsive. His apprehension made me very uncomfortable slightly. Why were they hesitant? What wuld I see?
   When they handed me the mirror I was absolutely shocked. I never kept any facial hair whatsoever, and it looked like I hadn't shaved in a month. "Wait a minute, how long have I been here?! Where am I anyways? Morgat? Is that France? Where am I?" My mind began to race and the doctor ordered some type of sedative nto my I.V., it hit me instantly. I don't know what they gave me, but it made me feel really good.
   That translator was becoming more and more cute by the second. "Hey baby, did you know Im a celebrity?" She chuckled, I think she could tell the drugs were making me loopy. I began to ignore the doctor and just talk to her. "What's your name gorgeous"?
"Allison", she had such a sweet and genuine smile.
She continued; "I would really like to chat with you sir, but I need to do my job right now. What is your name even"? The face she made when she asked that question was very cute. I loved the way she spoke French, it was such a turn on. She was long, blonde, curly hair with bright blue eyes and rosy cheeks. She looked at me through the computer screen, but it felt like she looked straight into my heart.
    She asked the question again; "What is your name sir"? I was lost in those beautiful eyes, I didn't even know my name. I responded, "If I tell you my name will you marry me"? She smiled again and looked away from the screen. I could tell that she was trying to be professional.
"Hey, Im sorry baby. I know you are trying to do your job, its just hard for me. You are really pretty and I almost died. I jumped out of a plane that was crashing and I survived. I have no idea how long I've been in this hospital. Whats todays date? Can you tell them this please"?
     Her face look like she was a mixture of confusion and disbelief. I could tell that she thought I was either lying, crazy, or both. Regardless, the look on her face assured me that she was going to help me, and that everything was going to be ok.




DanielMaxPhillipReynolds

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