Pranking via Kemyatta

     I worked in the finance department of a hospital in Jamestown, NY from 2009-2014. During my time there I had worked all 3 shifts at one point or another, and so I got to know all of the people in finance. When I worked 2nd shift I was in charge of hospital admissions, it would be crazy busy at times. However, there were some days when it wasn't and I would have down-time to bullshit with some of the women who worked in outpatient registration. Their work area was located just outside my office so it was impossible to avoid them. This is how I met Kemyatta Austin. Every once in a while you meet someone who is simply on the same frequency of life as yourself, and you gravitate towards them. And when you connect with these people, at some point you realize that you will be friends with them forever. Kemyatta was a blast to chat with, we would poke fun at each other all the time and it always seemed to make time at work go by much quicker.
     Anyways, when I got moved to the day shift my office was upstairs, so I didn't see Kemyatta very much. However, I would go down to her office during my break-time most days just to bullshit with her. She didn't care much for most of her co-workers, and I could tell that some of them didn't like her very much either. Kemyatta was very outspoken, she pulled no punches and she didn't have one tiny little problem telling any and everybody just how she felt about them. It would be accurate to say that I liked this about her. There were some extremely "artificial" people who worked amongst us, and she lived to call them out on it. She would always have a squabble going with somebody each day, and this was primarily the topic of our conversations. The way she would describe the altercations was fucking hilarious.

     One day I had went to see her during my break and she seemed upset. She said that her sister had played some sort of prank of her and she was steaming about it. I told her; "So lets get her back".

Kemyatta: How"?

Me: "Easy. Just tell me one thing about her".

Kemyatta: "What do you mean"?

Me: "Just tell me one thing about her personal life, and I'll show you".

Kemyatta: "Hmmm. She went to the gynecologist yesterday".

Me: "Perfect"! (Honestly, it was. There couldn't have been anything better) "Do you know which one"?

Kemyatta: "Yea. Why?"

     I quickly did a google search for the phone number of her sisters gynecologist. Then, I told Kemyatta about this website that allows you to call anybody you want, and you can make any number appear on that persons caller ID. Then, I went to the website and punched in her sisters cell phone number. And, I made sure that it would show the gynocologists phone number on her caller ID. The stage was set. I made her promise me up and down that she would never tell her sister I was involved. She agreed...

Kemyattas sister: "Hello"

Me: "Hi, can I please speak to Kemyattas sister"? (I don't have her permission to use her name)

Kemyattas sister: "This is her"

Me: "Hi this is (So and so) calling from Dr (So and so's) office. How are you"?

Kemyattas sister: "Im fine".

Me: "Hmm, Im kind of surprised to hear you say that. I was reviewing you test results and I found something very alarming. Are you sitting down"?

Kemyattas sister: (VERY concerned) "Yes.....what is it"?!!?!

.........click, and I hung up the phone.

     I looked at Kemyatta and I snickered. She burst out laughing. It was a horrible yet brilliant prank to pull. You see, I had inherited the gift of "Master Prankster" from my oldest brother David. It is a very dangerous gift, but it can be humorous and useful at times also. If I were a "Master" of the craft, my brother certainly wrote the book. A prank of this magnitude wouldn't even register on his scale. However, that is a different story entirely.
     Kemyatta and I let that phone call marinate for only about 5 minutes and then she called her sister to see how she was doing. Her sister was in hysteria as she explained to (a mistakenly clueless) Kemyatta what had just transpired. She said that she called back the gyno office and went "nuts". Here she was shaking in her shoes, and the gyno office is telling her they didn't even call her. "I fucking hit redial on my phone mother fucker" she had allegedly screamed at them. They had responded to her with; "We don't even have any men who work in our office"! It was epic, I would have died to hear this conversation first hand. After she was finished her rant to Kemyatta, (Who was dying laughing the entire time) I hear her say "We even".
"What"? she sister responded.
"Remember that shit you did to me? We even now. That was me that called you"! Kemyatta said.
"What? How did you..."
"Don't even worry about it, we even now" and she hung up the phone and burst out laughing.

     It was certainly a tasteless prank to pull on somebody, put it did the trick. Kemyatta wasn't pissed off anymore. And with that, my break-time was over.
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     About a year or so after this previous episode, I was in her office again on break. Kemyatta was telling me about how she had got a part-time job at a gas station and she was starting that night. The finance department paid like crap, and so it was nearly impossible to pay your basic bills if you lived alone. I know a number of people who have to work second jobs in order to make ends meet, its bullshit.
     I should have said that Kemyatta made the mistake of telling me about her new part-time job. Because, as soon as she told me about it I began to brainstorm ways to prank her. I suppose it is just the way that my brain operates at times. Like I said, it is an inherited trait. I cant tell you how many times I have placed wagers with my friends that went like this; "How much do you want to bet I can get this pizza place to deliver chicken wings with no meat on them"? That's right. I can and have called pizza places and asked them to remove the meat from the chicken wings. "I only want the bones", I would explain to them.

     Anyways, Kemyatta told me that tonight was her first night and she was nervous about it. She said that she gets out of work at the hospital at 4:30 and that she had to be at the gas station from 5-9. So, once I got home from work, I drank a couple beers and then waited until about 7:30. I did a quick google search for the gas station and called the number. I was thinking in my head; "Please let her answer". And to me delight, sure enough,

Kemyatta: "(so and so mart) this is Kemyatta"

Me: (In a disguised voice. I have several) "Yea, do y'all sel condoms there"?

Kemyatta; "Hold on".....(I could hear kemyatta asking her co-worker if they sell condoms. lol) "Yea"

Me: "What kind"?

Kemyatta: "Hold on"....(I could hear her asking what kind) "Trojan".

Me: "That's the only kind"?

Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking again) "Yea"

Me: "How much are those"?

Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking how much lol) "$3.99"

Me: "What size are those"?

Kemyatta: (again, she asked lol) "Regular size".

Me: "Are they flavored"

Kemyatta: (I swear.....she asked) "No, they're not"

Me: (Doing everything I could not to laugh. I had to take a deep breath) "Ok, thank you"

Kemyatta: "Yep"

     The next day at work I couldn't wait until break time. I scooted downstairs to Kemyattas office and I opened the door. Then, in the same voice I used on my phone call the night before, I said; "Do y'all sell condoms"? Her eyes got really big and she looked like she wanted to kill me. I quickly closed the door and I ran. As soon as I got back to my desk I had an email from her. It said; "Daniel, YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID! I HATE YOU!". I died laughing. When I went down to her office on break she wouldn't even talk to me. All she said was, "My first night Daniel? I felt like such an asshole asking my boss what size condoms we sell". Luckily, Kemyatta had a good sense of humor about it. There was another incident when she didn't respond so good.......
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     This one time I was in the check out line at Rite Aid and I noticed Kemyatta at the front of the line. She didn't see me standing there, so it was perfect. She had asked the cashier for some cigarettes or something from behind the counter. As the cashier was ringing her up I hollered; "You better check her ID". I said it very honestly and sincerely. Kemyatta looked back and seen me; "Shut up", she said. I respond again; "I used to work at Walgreens and she got me fired. She works for the police department and catches people who sell tobacco products to underage people", again, I said it very seriously. Now, the cashier had a very paranoid look on her face when I didn't smile or acknowledge it was a joke. "Its your job", I said. Kemyatta stopped shuffling through her wad of cash and turned to me at the back of the line; "Daniel, if you don't shut the fuck up I swear to god"! Now, mind you, there was 2 lines full of people standing there witnessing this.
     "I liked that job too, until I got fired. Go ahead and sell it to her, the police will be right in", I said. Again, the cashier and now all the people standing in line were getting nervous. I am pretty sure the cashier was fearing for her job at this point, but the customers were afraid Kemyatta was going to kill me. This time she lashed out; "Daniel, I am not playing with you! Im gonna come back there and punch you in the fucking face!". I was doing everything I possibly could to keep a straight face. I wasn't concerned, I knew that if she came for me I was much quicker than her. Kemyatta looked at the cashiers face and snarled; "Do you want to see my fucking ID"? The cashier shook her head "no", I think she only said "no" because she was scared. She had such a look on confusion and nervousness on her face, I will never forget it. Everybody in both lines were extremely nervous, but I was dying inside.
    The cashier completed the transaction and Kemyatta exited the store. On her way out she said; "You play too fucking much Daniel. Im not in the mood!". I look over towards the cashier and say; "Its your job. Here comes the cops".

College Parking

     When I was in college I thought it was absolutely ridiculous when I found out students had to pay for parking. After all, the university was located in the middle of a very busy freeway, how else were students supposed to get to class? If you are going to charge someone for school, shouldn't you provide them a place to park their vehicle? I mean, doesn't society want to encourage its people to further their education rather that give them reasons not to?

     Since I graduated from college in 2005, I have realized that it is one of the biggest scams going. “We are lending money we don't have to kids who can't pay it back to train them for jobs that no longer exist". - Mike Rowe. The cost of an education has risen considerably every single year, and the amount of student debt has more than quadrupled over the past decade alone. However, this essay will only focus on the ridiculousness which is the "parking pass".

     When I was in college the cost of a parking pass was only about $50 per car, per semester. Now, I say "only", because this was only 10-15 years ago and now some students are paying in excess of $700/semester. This entire concept alone is absurd, but let me just put it into perspective. Lets say I owned a fitness center, and I charged $40 a month for a membership. This fee allowed the users to come and go 24/7 and use all of the equipment in my fitness center. However, the fitness center is located in a plaza which I also own. So, I then sold parking passes for $20/month to park in my plaza. Then, I hired a private "security" company to just issue tickets to those who are caught violating. (Parking in the plaza without a pass) How ridiculous of a concept is this?

     Almost every university that I am aware of employs a "security" company. They make it seem as though they are there to protect students, however their main function is to write citations for those without a pass. Actually, I take that back....

They can write tickets for a number of different offenses, here are the ones I recieved:
1 - Parking without a pass
2 - Parking in the teachers lot with a students pass
3 - Having your parking pass located on the wrong part of your vehicle
4 - Parking in a spot which is not an actual "parking spot". (Some people are forced to park along the shoulder of the lot or in the grass because the university does not provide enough spots)
5 - Parking where you thought was a spot, but when the snow melted later in the day and the lines became visible, it was no longer a spot.

    Now, during my very first semester in Community College I had received "tickets" for all of the above mentioned offenses. My account balance for the above mentioned offenses totaled over $200 and the college refused to transfer any academic credits or allow graduation with this balance outstanding. Now, lets examine all of the incidences...

1 - I had parked my car very far away from the school in a university approved parking spot. I went to the registration office to purchase my parking pass. However, when I came back to my car to put it on, I had received a ticket during this small window of time. I took the ticket back to the registration office and explained my situation. She said; "Just bring your car into our lot, I will go outside and see it on your car, and write it off". So, I walked all the way back to my car again, (It was a good 10 minute walk) tried to park it in their lot, but there was no spaces except for a handicapped spot. I wasn't going to risk it, the line in there was too long, and it wouldn't surprise me if I had gotten another ticket. Also, the woman had just sold me the parking pass, why could she have not just written it off? So anyways, I park around back and go back into the office. When it is my turn, I tell her; "Ok, I brought my car up so you can look at the pass on my car". She comes outside and I tell her to follow me around back. "No, you have to pull it up front, I cant go that far away from my office"
"But there are no spots out front. It is right out back, it will only take 20 seconds"
"Sorry, I cant"
Now, at this point I am frustrated beyond measure. There is no place to park it out front. The ticket is only for $20 because it was my first offense. So, in a John Wayne moment of rage, I take the ticket back into the office with the crumbled up money and throw it at her. "Here is the ticket and the money. Have a nice fucking day"! I felt like I had been vindicated, like I had gotten my moneys worth and took out my frustration. But on my way out of the office she hollers back; "You have to pay that in student accounts"!

2 - Being unable to find a spot, I figured what the hell, I wouldn't even go to class then. I will just park in the teachers lot for 5 minutes and go hand in my paper. This 5 minutes turned into 15 and of course a ticket was on my dashboard upon returning.

3 - One day I returned to my car and was astonished to find a ticket, I had followed all of their stupid rules. The ticket said "Inappropriate decal". Now, at the time I had a large decal on the passenger side of my car which read: "POWERED BY DEEZ NUTZ". So, naturally, I thought it was referring to this. I quickly went and retrieved a security "officer" and questioned him. He said; "Yea, you have to put your "decal" on the driver side of your car, you can have one on the passenger side." Now, thinking he was referring to the "Deez Nutz" decal I explained to him; "It doesn't simply come off". He said; "Yes it does, it has to be on the other side". I had some choice words for him and then went on with my day.

4 - This one is the biggie. The university simply did not have enough parking spots to facilitate all of its students. I believe this is the reason they even employed a "security" staff. They knew damn well that they had way more students than they had parking spots, they had to of. I say this because, they certainly know how many students they have, and they know how many spots they have available. And, for every single spot to be filled up at 8:15 in the morning, I am guessing that the numbers aren't even close. So, some students would manufacture parking spots. They would either park in the grass or on the shoulder of the lot. These cars would ALWAYS have tickets on them, every single one of them. Now, picture this: The school is now writing tickets and charging students because the school does not have enough parking spots to facilitate the students that they have already charged to park. Please, let that sink in for a moment. The university has the audacity to penalize people (when they had no right to charge for parking in the first place) who have paid to park, and yet there are not enough spots. All I can say to this one is: "S... M. M.....F...... D... B...."!

5 - I began to arrive at school at 745am for an 8am class. I made sure to get there early so I would have a parking spot, and a relatively close one at that. Although I hated their parking policies, I figured this would finally alleviate the issue. It had snowed the night before and so the ground was completely covered. It was impossible to see any parking lines, so I just parked beside the other cars. It was a long day, I had several classes and a bunch of work to do, so I was there for most of the day. As the day went on, the sun had apparently risen and the snow had melted. When I arrived back to my car, it had a ticket on it for not parking within the lines and taking up 2 spaces.

----For all of these "offenses" I had tried to get them dropped to no avail. I will never forget the day the lady in student accounts sternly scolded me; "Listen Bud, this place is a business before it is a school"! I hated that college and everything it stood for.


During the next school year I had arrived again without a new parking pass. As I ran to the registration department all I could think about was getting a ticket for not having a new pass. After I got my pass, I ran all the way back to my car, and while on my way I noticed one of the security cars in the vicinity of my car. My blood began to boil. I had a large, plastic water bottle in my hand that was about half way full. It was at that moment I decided that if I had a fucking ticket on my car I was going to launch it at their car.
The closer and closer I got to my car my anger only increased. Then, to my despair, I noticed the bright orange citation fluttering in the wind beneath my windshield wiper. I was completely enraged and full of disgust. The anger had reached its breaking point and I had completely snapped. I cocked back that bottle of spring water and was just about to chuck it at the security car when I paused for a moment. What was I thinking? I had that parking pass right in my pocket, I suppose he technically had the right to give me the ticket for "No parking pass", right? So, I did the only thing I could possibly do in this moment of unweathering rage. I unlocked the door to my car, opened the door, and gently applied the adhesive side of the parking permit to the appropriate location on the rear, driver side window. Then, I locked the door, and began walking towards the security car, (I didn't want to miss) where I seen the "officer" writing a ticket. Then, I unleashed ALL of the anger I had for ALL of the times they had fucked with me. I reached back and I chucked that bottle of spring water as hard as I possibly could at the front of the security car. It hit the hood and exploded as it collided with the windshield and when flying. I seen the security guard with his pen and pad jump, startled as I screamed; "What the fuck"?!?!?!?!?!?!??

..........yes, finally, this was MY moment

This frail, scrawny little security officer suddenly became all turkey-chested. "What the hell man" he said. I responded with all my anger; "You fucking idiots give me tickets every goddamn day and I'm sick of it"! He comes over and examines the ticket, sees the permit in my window and has an astonished look on his face. He begins to apologize but I don't allow it, this was MY moment after all the bullshit they have put me through, I was going to take it out on him. "Every goddamn day you pieces of shit man" I tell him at the top of my lungs. Finally he says; "Listen, I might be a security guard but I have the authority to arrest you". I could hear the shakiness in his voice. In my anger I respond; "Oh yea, you put one hand on my and I'm fucking breaking it off"! He gets on his little walkee talkee as I tear up the ticket and get into my car and drive away. And I have to admit, I felt really, really good about it.

However, looking back I realize who is really to blame. It wasn't that poor officers fault, all he had done was selected a shitty job. Who would want to write tickets and ruin peoples days for a living? And it wasn't my fault, (Eh, maybe a little bit) I was just trying to further my education. The blame lie in the greed of the university. In fact, if you look deep enough...pretty much EVERY single problem in this world can be attributed to greed somewhere along the line. I challenge you to just think about it for a minute.


(Sorry, I didn't proof read this post, the concept disgust me too much)