Anyways, when I got moved to the day shift my office was upstairs, so I didn't see Kemyatta very much. However, I would go down to her office during my break-time most days just to bullshit with her. She didn't care much for most of her co-workers, and I could tell that some of them didn't like her very much either. Kemyatta was very outspoken, she pulled no punches and she didn't have one tiny little problem telling any and everybody just how she felt about them. It would be accurate to say that I liked this about her. There were some extremely "artificial" people who worked amongst us, and she lived to call them out on it. She would always have a squabble going with somebody each day, and this was primarily the topic of our conversations. The way she would describe the altercations was fucking hilarious.
One day I had went to see her during my break and she seemed upset. She said that her sister had played some sort of prank of her and she was steaming about it. I told her; "So lets get her back".
Kemyatta: How"?
Me: "Easy. Just tell me one thing about her".
Kemyatta: "What do you mean"?
Me: "Just tell me one thing about her personal life, and I'll show you".
Kemyatta: "Hmmm. She went to the gynecologist yesterday".
Me: "Perfect"! (Honestly, it was. There couldn't have been anything better) "Do you know which one"?
Kemyatta: "Yea. Why?"
I quickly did a google search for the phone number of her sisters gynecologist. Then, I told Kemyatta about this website that allows you to call anybody you want, and you can make any number appear on that persons caller ID. Then, I went to the website and punched in her sisters cell phone number. And, I made sure that it would show the gynocologists phone number on her caller ID. The stage was set. I made her promise me up and down that she would never tell her sister I was involved. She agreed...
Kemyattas sister: "Hello"
Me: "Hi, can I please speak to Kemyattas sister"? (I don't have her permission to use her name)
Kemyattas sister: "This is her"
Me: "Hi this is (So and so) calling from Dr (So and so's) office. How are you"?
Kemyattas sister: "Im fine".
Me: "Hmm, Im kind of surprised to hear you say that. I was reviewing you test results and I found something very alarming. Are you sitting down"?
Kemyattas sister: (VERY concerned) "Yes.....what is it"?!!?!
.........click, and I hung up the phone.
I looked at Kemyatta and I snickered. She burst out laughing. It was a horrible yet brilliant prank to pull. You see, I had inherited the gift of "Master Prankster" from my oldest brother David. It is a very dangerous gift, but it can be humorous and useful at times also. If I were a "Master" of the craft, my brother certainly wrote the book. A prank of this magnitude wouldn't even register on his scale. However, that is a different story entirely.
Kemyatta and I let that phone call marinate for only about 5 minutes and then she called her sister to see how she was doing. Her sister was in hysteria as she explained to (a mistakenly clueless) Kemyatta what had just transpired. She said that she called back the gyno office and went "nuts". Here she was shaking in her shoes, and the gyno office is telling her they didn't even call her. "I fucking hit redial on my phone mother fucker" she had allegedly screamed at them. They had responded to her with; "We don't even have any men who work in our office"! It was epic, I would have died to hear this conversation first hand. After she was finished her rant to Kemyatta, (Who was dying laughing the entire time) I hear her say "We even".
"What"? she sister responded.
"Remember that shit you did to me? We even now. That was me that called you"! Kemyatta said.
"What? How did you..."
"Don't even worry about it, we even now" and she hung up the phone and burst out laughing.
It was certainly a tasteless prank to pull on somebody, put it did the trick. Kemyatta wasn't pissed off anymore. And with that, my break-time was over.
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About a year or so after this previous episode, I was in her office again on break. Kemyatta was telling me about how she had got a part-time job at a gas station and she was starting that night. The finance department paid like crap, and so it was nearly impossible to pay your basic bills if you lived alone. I know a number of people who have to work second jobs in order to make ends meet, its bullshit.
I should have said that Kemyatta made the mistake of telling me about her new part-time job. Because, as soon as she told me about it I began to brainstorm ways to prank her. I suppose it is just the way that my brain operates at times. Like I said, it is an inherited trait. I cant tell you how many times I have placed wagers with my friends that went like this; "How much do you want to bet I can get this pizza place to deliver chicken wings with no meat on them"? That's right. I can and have called pizza places and asked them to remove the meat from the chicken wings. "I only want the bones", I would explain to them.
Anyways, Kemyatta told me that tonight was her first night and she was nervous about it. She said that she gets out of work at the hospital at 4:30 and that she had to be at the gas station from 5-9. So, once I got home from work, I drank a couple beers and then waited until about 7:30. I did a quick google search for the gas station and called the number. I was thinking in my head; "Please let her answer". And to me delight, sure enough,
Kemyatta: "(so and so mart) this is Kemyatta"
Me: (In a disguised voice. I have several) "Yea, do y'all sel condoms there"?
Kemyatta; "Hold on".....(I could hear kemyatta asking her co-worker if they sell condoms. lol) "Yea"
Me: "What kind"?
Kemyatta: "Hold on"....(I could hear her asking what kind) "Trojan".
Me: "That's the only kind"?
Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking again) "Yea"
Me: "How much are those"?
Kemyatta: (I could hear her asking how much lol) "$3.99"
Me: "What size are those"?
Kemyatta: (again, she asked lol) "Regular size".
Me: "Are they flavored"
Kemyatta: (I swear.....she asked) "No, they're not"
Me: (Doing everything I could not to laugh. I had to take a deep breath) "Ok, thank you"
Kemyatta: "Yep"
The next day at work I couldn't wait until break time. I scooted downstairs to Kemyattas office and I opened the door. Then, in the same voice I used on my phone call the night before, I said; "Do y'all sell condoms"? Her eyes got really big and she looked like she wanted to kill me. I quickly closed the door and I ran. As soon as I got back to my desk I had an email from her. It said; "Daniel, YOU ARE SO FUCKING STUPID! I HATE YOU!". I died laughing. When I went down to her office on break she wouldn't even talk to me. All she said was, "My first night Daniel? I felt like such an asshole asking my boss what size condoms we sell". Luckily, Kemyatta had a good sense of humor about it. There was another incident when she didn't respond so good.......
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This one time I was in the check out line at Rite Aid and I noticed Kemyatta at the front of the line. She didn't see me standing there, so it was perfect. She had asked the cashier for some cigarettes or something from behind the counter. As the cashier was ringing her up I hollered; "You better check her ID". I said it very honestly and sincerely. Kemyatta looked back and seen me; "Shut up", she said. I respond again; "I used to work at Walgreens and she got me fired. She works for the police department and catches people who sell tobacco products to underage people", again, I said it very seriously. Now, the cashier had a very paranoid look on her face when I didn't smile or acknowledge it was a joke. "Its your job", I said. Kemyatta stopped shuffling through her wad of cash and turned to me at the back of the line; "Daniel, if you don't shut the fuck up I swear to god"! Now, mind you, there was 2 lines full of people standing there witnessing this.
"I liked that job too, until I got fired. Go ahead and sell it to her, the police will be right in", I said. Again, the cashier and now all the people standing in line were getting nervous. I am pretty sure the cashier was fearing for her job at this point, but the customers were afraid Kemyatta was going to kill me. This time she lashed out; "Daniel, I am not playing with you! Im gonna come back there and punch you in the fucking face!". I was doing everything I possibly could to keep a straight face. I wasn't concerned, I knew that if she came for me I was much quicker than her. Kemyatta looked at the cashiers face and snarled; "Do you want to see my fucking ID"? The cashier shook her head "no", I think she only said "no" because she was scared. She had such a look on confusion and nervousness on her face, I will never forget it. Everybody in both lines were extremely nervous, but I was dying inside.
The cashier completed the transaction and Kemyatta exited the store. On her way out she said; "You play too fucking much Daniel. Im not in the mood!". I look over towards the cashier and say; "Its your job. Here comes the cops".
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