Stan the Man

It was the summer of 2001 when I had become addicted to the radio station Star 105.7. Every weekday, from 6am-7pm, that radio went everywhere with me. It wasn't because I enjoyed listening to the same 10 songs they played all day long, nor was it because I enjoyed the hours and hours of advertisements. It was because of an ongoing contest that they had been running for over a month.

The contest entailed a grand prize of $2000 and another $3000 in gift certificates. The rules of the contest were simple. "Every weekday between 6am and 7pm, listen for your cue to call in. All you have to do, is be the 7th caller, and identify the 6 celebrity voices".

You see, they had made up an audio file that contained 6 celebrity voices. Each voice would say a phrase and then go onto the next voice, and so forth. I had heard these audio clips a hundred times over the past month. Each time that they gave the "cue to call", the 7th caller would take a shot at identifying all 6 voices to win the grand prize. Then, the disc jockey would tell the caller how many, if any, they had answered correctly. However, they never revealed which answers were correct or incorrect, only the amount that they guessed correctly. This fact made the challenge far more difficult, which is why the contest went on for so long. I think they gave the "cue to call" about 3-4 times a day. Then, the contestant who was the 7th caller, they would take their stab at the $5000 in total prizes.

Truthfully, I couldn't identify even one single voice. However, I wrote down everybody's guesses and how many they had gotten right. After a few weeks of meticulously doing so, I had eventually narrowed down the correct sequence through the process of elimination. Therefore, every time that they play the "cue to call", my heart would race. I would dial the radio station and get a busy signal, hit reset and redial. Over and over this went on for weeks. I think one time it rang and I was 3rd caller, but that was as close as I had come.

Regardless, I continued my relentless pursuit. It had gotten to the point where I was at home all day with the cordless phone in hand and the radio at full volume. It had gotten to the point that every contestant was getting 5 out of 6 correct, and I always knew what error they had made and I was very relieved.

Anyways, it was a Friday evening and there was going to be only 1 more "cue to call" for the week. It was about 5pm or so, therefore it could happen anytime within the next 2 hours. My brother Dave showed up at the house, he was living away at college, but he had come home for the weekend. He wanted to go out for dinner, but I explained him the situation and so we waited.

Around 6:15 they played the "cue to call" and I was rapidly taping away at the phone. My brother was sitting on the love seat looking at me with a silly grin. Suddenly, the unthinkable happened...I heard a ringing noise. "Oh my god dude, its ringing", I exclaimed!
"Yea right", he said.
My heart was pounding out of my chest. Finally the phone was answered.

Jockey: "Hey, who's this?!"

Me: "Dan", I said it quickly trying to catch my breath.

Jockey: "Stan the man! Well Stan guess what?! You're caller number 7! Where are you calling from tonight Stan?"

Me: "Johnson City. Its Dan", I panicky remarked.

Jockey: "Oh I'm sorry, Dannnnnn the man!" he responded sarcastically. "You are caller number 7 Dan! That means that you have the chance to win over $5000 in cash and prizes. Including....." (He went on and on about the prizes, giving the businesses their usual on-air exposure)

I just wanted him to shut up so I could read off my list. I was so flustered and fidgety.

Jockey: "Have you been listening Dan? And do you think you have all 6 celebrity voices!?"

Me: "Yessir! I'm positive"

Jockey: "Ok Dan, whenever you're ready!"

I picked up my list and read off the names as fast as I could. I cant remember who they were, I remember one was Lucy Ball and another was Dorothy Hamill, but that's it. As soon as I finished reading the names I grabbed my hair with my other hand. I had done it!

Jockey: "Dan the man", his voice had gotten calm

Me: "Yeah"

Jockey: "Are you sitting down", he said.

Me: "Yeah", I said, while jumping in the air. My brother was looking at me in disbelief.

Jockey: "YOU GOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT 5 right. I'm sorry but you needed to get all 6"

Me: "Ughhh" I felt all the life slip out of my body. I expected him to say he was just kidding.

Jockey: "Poor guy. I could hear the pain in his voice"

           I was fucking shocked, there was no possible way my calculations were incorrect! I had went over them and over them. I had pages and pages of wrong guesses, and how many were correct. There was just NO possible way that I didn't have them all right!
           They put me on hold and asked for my full name so I could get some consolation prize of donuts and coffee bullshit. But I just hung up the phone.
           My brother started laughing hysterically, he thought it was the funniest shit in the world. Then, he grabbed a cassette tape and put it in the radio and pressed record. A few minutes later they played my segment on air.
           He kept that tape in his car for 4 goddamn years. And every time I would get in his car he would play it and laugh. Naturally, I also gained the nickname; "Stan the Man". What a dick.